Originally published in Stepparent Magazine December 12, 2018 / Revised September 16, 2023
http://stepparentmagazine.com/we-stopped-fighting-parental-alienation-and-walked-away/
Somewhere along the way we made a conscious choice to preserve ourselves. To cut them loose. To let them go. For good.
No more war. No more deceit. No more what ifs.
Just gone.
It was freeing. And painful. And soul wrenching.
And there are days I can’t begin to comprehend their loss. I’m raw and sad and inconsolable.
I retrace every decision. Every conversation. Every emotion.
I cling to my keyboard and pour my desperation into white, empty sheets. Hoping my words will find reckoning in a pain that has still barely taken hold.
To many it seems incomprehensible, cold and bitter. Some have disowned our friendship, believing the decision to preserve is selfish. Others are compassionate, knowing they could never endure such loss.
To voluntarily walk away from one’s own flesh and blood and leave them in the hands of destruction.
To endure a 10 year race without as much as a consolation prize.
Seems heartless and indifferent.
Perhaps that’s the place one has to come to in order to fold.
The end of what one truly wants. Happiness. Love. Foundation. Family. Memories. Future. Hope.
And still there are many that keep their distance, believing her savage tongue.
I can’t help but wonder had they been pushed to the brink, accused of heinous lies, called vicious names and targeted for destruction if they would still be standing.
I’m sure they’re better Christians than I. Handling all trials with ease, never fretting about imposters eating at their dinner table or spies living in their home intent on betrayal.
Of course, everyone knows their way through your tragedy until it becomes their own.
Never stop fighting, we believed.
It was our mantra. What kept us going. The belief that we were saving them from her trickery and evil. The belief that removing them would somehow convince them to turn a corner.
And then one day, the unimaginable happens. The child becomes the accuser.
The pawn is now the prodigy.
Now, so much pain ahead.
A thousand holidays left to go uncelebrated.
Graduations still to miss. And grandchildren to never meet.
Oceans of tears yet to fall.
And millions of memories yet to forget.
To learn more about our story please click here:
https://parentalalienationspeaks.com/why-parental-alienation-speaks-3/
Photo: Robin Joshua
After 40 years, I am finding that parental alienation continues in the next generation. Grandchildren are beginning to look at us the way my stepchildren did – with a wariness and distrust that I will never understand. Had hoped that the grandkids would come with a blank slate and take our love and run with it. Do not have the strength to be bear the brunt of ambivalence again.
Parental Alienation is a new concept to my generation. I’m a grandmother of 67. At first my ex daughter in law gave us a day and time when we could Skype with our two grandkids then she said that we may only talk to them on the phone then she stopped answering the calls. Now she’s blocked our numbers.
I often contemplate murder but that would only hurt the children however I refuse to give up and walk away as that would be like suiside.
Thank you for writing this
Thank you for writing this…almost 6 years ago now. This is eerily similar to my situation. I have two girls born in 2012 and 2013, now 12 and almost 11. In 2015 my first wife and I separated and divorced. Over the years my ex-wife and her husband (who happens to be my second wife’s ex-husband, thus my two step kids’ father) have stopped at nothing to alienate our children from us. In 2022, after 2 weeks summer visitation, our kids went back to the other parent’s home. Not long after, DHS shows up at our door, investigates us and a year and a half long court battle ensues. In January of this year, we “Walked Away” as you say it. We walked away from the endless court filings and continuations. We walked away from an eventual hearing in which my oldest daughter would have been able to spew her conditioned hatred toward us and have the judge side with them. We walked away from mandatorily inviting children-turned-spies into our home on a biweekly basis. We walked away from the hundreds of thousands of dollars we have paid in legal fees at least a dozen attorneys over the last decade. We walked away from the inclination to try to find a way to add a 4th mortgage to our house to borrow still more money to fight for our children. We walked away from the late-night fights between my wife and I, arguing over which child betrayed us. We walked away from three of the four children that we share, to varying degrees, (my stepson, 12, and my aforementioned daughters) because my fourteen-year-old stepdaughter, was beginning to figure it out and was being treated badly by her father and Stepmom (my ex-wife). We walked away from the threat of DHS being in our home ever again and, God forbid, removing our six-year-old (the child of my second wife and I) from our home. We walked away from the firmly held belief that “someday your children will see the truth” if “you never give up fighting”. We walked away from having positive input or really any input at all into my daughters’ lives. We walked away from Birthdays, Christmases, trips to the lake, late nights talks, first dates, graduations and, I’m sure, walking my daughters down the aisle. My middle daughter’s (born in 2013) birthday is in 3 days. We celebrated her birthday last year, and a few weeks later, on New Year’s Day 2024, was the last time I saw her. I have tried to call several times and every time I call, with increasing vitriol, she says she needs space, tells me she doesn’t want to talk and that she wishes I would stop calling.
So, I found these words you wrote 6 years ago at a very needed time in my life. Thank you.
Hello, I walked away from all this too. I’ve never heard anyone put to words what I’ve walked away from. But to add to your words, I walked away from suicide. I walked away from the acute emotional agony that drove me to try to kill myself three times. I finally just figured out that I was the only one in pain. Everyone else was happy. They, my kids, weren’t grieving me at all. Why should I kill myself for people who don’t care? My kids are adults now with kids. I had to walk away because my grandkids would be alienated against me too so why put myself through that hell…and commit suicide over it, which I would have. I’m only alive now due to the grace of God. He didn’t let the attempts work. Last one almost did. Thanks for making this post. It really helped me. At times I feel so guilty for walking away. But…they don’t care about me. So why do I feel so guilty…. I think it’s because I feel guilty for loving myself, which my own parents taught me NOT to do.
You are not alone, Reggie. Thank you for staying alive. God has a plan for you.